535 

rench's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
38 the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 
/ 1 



No. 329 



THE LOVE PIRATE 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



GEORGE FORD 



Copyright, 1910, by .SAMUEL FRENCH 



NOTICE. — Amateurs may produce this play without pay- 
ment of royalty. 



ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE LOVE PIRATE 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



GEORGE FORD 



Copyright, 1916, by SAMUEL FRENCH 



NOTICE. — Amateurs may produce this play without pay- 
ment of royalty. 



ALL OTHER RIGHTS RESERVED 



NEW YORK 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



LONDON 

SAMUEL FRENCH. LTD. 

26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET 

STRAND 












THE LOVE PIRATE. 



or TWO Too MUCH 



Time: — The present. Evening. 

Scene: — Ordinary upper class living room. Home- 
like and in good taste. Stairs leading up stairs 
from reception room can be seen at back. The 
only important props are a piano which Smyth 
can hide behind and look over; and a telephone. 



CHARACTERS. 

Henry Smyth .. Young, good-looking, dry, semi 

silly-ass type. Must play in the usual manner 

of farce distraction and yet inspire a certain 

sympathy. 

Mr. Mason. .Fat, fiery, yet unctuous and bubbling 

Fan ny Mason His daughter 

Molly Parsons Friend of Fanny 

rask Friend of Fanny 

Mr. Snowman Minister 



t 

'01. D 44511 



JUL 29 1916 

1 I t 



THE LOVE PIRATE 



(At rise of curtain Mr. Mason is discovered read- 
ing by lamp at fireplace.) 

Sound of auto stopping. 

Door bell rings. 

Mr. Mason waits for someone to go to door. 

Bell rings again. 

Mr. Mason puts down book and goes around to 
front door. The door is heard to open and 
Mason is heard speaking — continuing first 
sp eccii until it brings him dozen center. 

Mason. Why, hello, Henry. Glad to see you. 
Come in. We didn't expect you back from your 
business trip so soon. Put your things on the rack 
there. 

(Henry comes down center opposite Mason but 
does not take off his coat and keeps his hat in 
his hand throughout.) 

Henry. (Speaking rapidly) Mr. Mason, I love 
your daughter. 

MasoN. (Adopting Henry's quick tone and 
manner) I know it. 

Henry. I want to marry her. 

Mason. You have my consent. 

Henry. But 

3 



4 THE LOVE PIRATE. 

Mason. Eh ? 

Henry. But I have a confession. 
Mason. A what? 

Henry. A confession of weakness, of crime. 

I'm desperate. I came to this house to-night to ask 

your daughter to elope with me to escape from it all. 

Mason. What! A weakling and a criminal to 

elope with my daughter to escape from Now, 

understand one thing, sir, my daughter will marry 
a gentleman and marry him as a lady should. No 
elopement for my daughter! Never. There must 
be an engagement, preparation, announcements, 
parties, presents, church — all that goes with a real 
marriage. ^ Why, I'd skin the man alive that tried 
to elope with my daughter. 

Henry. Mr. Mason — listen — please listen — 
When I started on that last business trip of two 
weeks, the first town I made was Poughkeepsie — 
Oh, how I hate the name of that town — Pough- 
keepsie — I called on a girl. I have known her for 
sometime. Her name is Molly. I took her to dine 
at the Hotel Poughkeepsie. Oh ! We had turkey— I 
held up the wish bone to her — like this — and said. 
" Make a wish." She said " I can't "— " Very well 
then," said I, " I'll wish for you "—And Mr. Mason, 
she said " Oh, never mind the old wish bone, you can 
have me." Well, the very next minute she was in 
my arms telling me how much she loved me. 

Mason. My, my, my, my 

Hen in-. But — But — dramatically. The worst is 
yet to come. 

Mason. Dazed— Yet to come. 

Henry. Yes. I know another girl in Pough- 
keepsie— Oh, that word— a girl named Polly. 

Mason. Polly 

Henry. Yes. I was walking down the main 
street with her the next morning — in broad daylight 
mind you— we passed a jeweler's shop. There was 
a tray of engagement rings in the window. I looked 



THE LOVE PIRATE. 5 

at them and said : " They are very beautiful but 
(dolefully) So-0-0-0 expensive. 

Mason. Just like that, eh? So-0-0-0 expensive. 

Henry. Yes. So-0-0-0 expensive. You see I 
was thinking of my slip with Molly the night be- 
fore. I said — So-0-0-0 expensive and what do you 
think Polly said? 

Mason. What did Polly say? 

Henry. She said : " Oh, you poor dear boy. I 
understand perfectly. Come right on home and give 
me a petting." 

Mason. Did you give her a petting? 

Henry. Well. I had to give her a petting or give 
her a diamond ring. What do you think I did? 
That was just two weeks ago, Mr. Mason, and they 
have both been writing me silly, sentimental, slushy, 
sticky letters ever since. — two letters a day from 
Poughkeepsie — oh, that word. And what's more Mr. 
Mason, they're looking at apartments — and furniture 
like that, and crockery like that, and rugs like that, 
and mantel clocks like that and red home-like read- 
ing lamps like that — and what's more Mr. Mason, 
they're visiting lingerie shops — and what's more Mr. 
Mason, they're both embroidering nightgowns ! 

Mason. Dear, dear. A nightgown is a very 
serious affair. 

Henry. Ruinous ! Deadly ! Do you know how 
long it takes to embroider a nightgown ? 

Mason. Xo. 

Henry. Well, I do. Pve studied it and asked 
questions. It takes at the most generous calculation 
two weeks — two miserable fleeting weeks. Mr. 
Mason the enemy are upon us. Molly and Polly of 
Poughkeepsie — Oh — are closing in. 

Mason. Molly and Polly of Poughkeepsie? 
What are their last names? 

Henry. Molly Parsons and Polly Trask. 

Mason. Ha. ha, ha. ha. 

Henry. What's the matter? 



6 THE LOVE PIRATE. 

Mason. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wtiy Fanny knows them 
both. Went to school wtih them. 

Henry. Eh? 

Mason. And what's more, Henry, they both came 
down to New York last night. Ha, ha. 

Henry. Eh ? 

Mason. Yes, and what's more, Henry, they are 
both visiting Fanny here to-night ! Ha, ha, ha 

Henry. Good-night. (He starts for front door) 

Mason. (Holding him) No, you can't do that. 
You'll meet Molly, she just stepped out to the corner 
before you came. She's probably on the front porch 
now. 

Henry. I'll go out the back way. 

Mason. (Holding Jinn) You can't. Polly's in 
the back garden. 

Henry. (Starting toivard stairs) I'll go over 
the roofs. 

Mason. (Still holding him ) No you don't — Now 
wait. I know a way out. 

Henry. Any way " out." 

Mason. I mean a way out of your scrape. I 
understand women. I have had a wife and a daugh- 
ter. 

Henry. That's what I want. Not two wives, or 
three wives or ten wives, or fifty wives, but A wife 
and your daughter. 

Mason. Well — apartments and furniture and 
lingerie and nightgowns finished or unfinished, these 
girls do not want to marry you right now. They're 
all like my daughter. They don't marry half -cooked 
or elope any more. They want the engagement, 
announcements, presents, church, fur and feathers, 
I spoke of. Do you get me? 

Henry. No I don't. 

Mason. Well — listen. You get to Molly and 
Polly — now — yes — right away. Say you're des- 
perate with pangs of love. Say you must elope im- 
mediately. 



THE LOVE PIRATE. 7 

Henry. What? 

Mason. Yes — like this — " Molly — and then Polly 
as the case may be — I love you. I love you de- 
votedly, madly, passionately, I cannot work without 
you, I cannot eat without you, I cannot live without 
you another hour. I am crazed with tenderness, 
with longing, with love with passion. You must 
marry me this night — you must. Elope ! Meet me 
at the garage in fifteen minutes and we will fly to- 
gether — will you ? I ask you, will you ? " See ? 
They of course, refuse. You get peeved, angry, 
insulted, say they don't truly love you and break the 
engagement. 

Henry. Again, dear heart, good-night. 

Mason. {Holding him back) No, now, do as I 
say and you'll slip through like an eel. I'll send 
Molly in now and when she's gone you can finish 
with Polly. Sit there now, just a minute. {Exit. 
Henry sits in chair directed — He starts to rehearse 
Jiis proposal gives it up and sits again still more de- 
jected) 

{Enter Molly.) 

Molly. Henry — dear Henry. (She runs to him 
and throws herself in his arms) What a surprise. 

Henry. (Dazed but getting dozen to business in a 
rapid-fire toneless manner) Molly, I love you — I 
love you devotedly, madly, passionately. I cannot 
work without you. I cannot eat without you, I 
cannot feel, see, taste, smell, hear — without you. I 
cannot live without you another hour. 

Molly. Are you crazy? 

Henry. Eh ? 

Molly. Are you crazy? 

Henry. Oh, — yes — crazed with tenderness, with 
longing, with love, with passion. You must marry 
me this night, you must ! Elope ! Meet me at the 
garage in fifteen minutes and we will fly together. 
Will you — now I ask you — will you? 



8 THE LOVE PIRATE. 

Molly. Why now dear sweet boy. You know I 
will. 

Henry. What? 

Molly. Yes. It won't take me fifteen minutes 
to get ready. I haven't unpacked my things yet. 
I'll be there, dearie. {She runs toward and up stairs 
throwing kisses) Oh, I'm so happy. {Throws 
kisses until she is off tJie)i turns in despair and runs 
rig Jit into Polly who e titers) 

Henry. (Startled and bewildered) Polly. I love 
you, I love you devotedly, madly, passionately, I 
cannot work without you, I cannot eat without you, 
I cannot sleep without 

Polly. What! 

Henry. I mean I cannot live without you another 
hour. 

Polly. Are you crazy? 

Henry. Yes, are you? 

Polly. No. 

Henry. Then I might as well go through with it. 
Yes, crazed with tenderness, with longing, with love, 
with passion. You must marry me this very night — 
you must. Meet me at the garage in fifteen — I mean 
in ten minutes and we will fly together. Will you? 
Now I ask you, will you? 

Polly. {In a loud, vulgar voiee) Yes. (Throws 
herself into his arms. Recovering) It won't take 
me ten minutes. I'll sneak' to my room and get 
ready. (Going off) Oh, so romantic. I'm so 
happy. 

(Henry repeats same business as at exit of Molly 
and at finish runs into Fanny who enters.) 

Fanny. Why, Henry. (TJiey kiss) 
Henry. (This time in a weepy, sentimental, 
pitiable tone) Fanny, I love you, I love you de- 
votedly, madly, passionately. I cannot work without 
you, I cannot think without you, I cannot eat with- 



THE LOVE PIRATE. 9 

out you, I cannot live another hour without you. 

Fanny. Are you crazy? 

Henry. Yes, crazed with tenderness, with long- 
ing, with love, with passion. You must marry me 
this night — you must. Elope ! Please, oh, please 
meet me at the garage in fifteen — in five minutes and 
we will fly together. Will you? Now I ask you, 
will you? 

Fanny. (Decidedly) No. 

Henry. Eh ? 

Fanny. No. I'm afraid of daddy. 

Henry. Why, it's his idea. He fixed it — cooked 
it up. He told me to do it. 

Fanny. Did he? 

Henry. Yes. Meet me at the garage in five — 
in three minutes and we'll fly together. 

Fanny. Daddy advised secrecy and an elope- 
ment ? 

Henry. Yes. To the garage in two minutes. 

Fanny. Why I can't. I have two friends here — 
from Poughkeepsie — but, dear, that isn't necessary. 
The minister lives right across the street. I'll run 
over to see him first. You stay here to speak to 
daddy again to be sure. Then we'll slip over and 
get married and come back — and — (running off) — 
we'll all have a high old time here to-night. (Exit) 

Henry. Oh, yes, we'll all have a high old time 
here to-night. (He starts toz^ard front door, hears 
someone coming and hides behind baby grand piano. 
He can straighten up and be seen by audience but 
not by characters during following scenes) 

(Molly and Polly enter by stairs and r. c. respec- 
tively wearing auto coats and carrying grips. 
They meet in center stage.) 



Molly and Polly. (Together) Why, where 

t you going? 

Molly and Polly. You won't tell any one? 



io THE LOVE PIRATE. 

Molly and Polly. (Surprised) I'm going to 
elope. 

Molly and Polly (Getting wise) With whom? 
Molly and Polly. Henry Smyth. 
Molly and Polly. Oh! (Cry) 

(Enter Mr. Mason.) 

Mason. (Taking in the situation, as he thinks, in 
a glance and chuckling to himself during folloz^'ing 
scene) Well, girls, you seem to be in trouble. All 
dressed up — satchels too — you're not going to leave 
us? (Both girls start to bawl on his shoulders) 

Molly. He said he loved us devotedly, madly, 
passionately. He would not work without us, he 
could not eat without us, he could not live without 
us — another hour. 

Polly. We were to fly with him at once, elope ! 
Meet him at the garage in ten minutes. 

Mason. My, what cold-hearted devil could think 
of such things? 

Molly. We're going to leave this horrid house 
at once. 

Polly. We're going on the next train. 

Mason. I'll take you to the subway. (Girls con- 
tinue to bazvl) 

(Telephone rings. Mason goes to telephone.) 

Mason. (Speaking over telephone) Yes, Fanny. 
This is daddy — Tell Henry he's not at home. 
Henry's not here. I think he's left the house. 
Where are you? — What are you doing at Dr. 
Snowman's — No, I don't know — I fixed it — I cooked 
it up — What are you talking about — (In changed 
tone) You come right on over to this house, Miss, 
as fast your legs can carry you. Understand? (He 
hangs up receiver) He's planning to run away with 
my daughter. 



THE LOVE PIRATE. u 

Molly. The scoundrel ! 

Polly. The villain ! 

Mason. The skunk ! 

Molly. Wait until I see him ! 

Polly. Wait until I talk to him ! 

Mason. Wait until I lay hands on him ! 

Henry. Yes — wait. 

(The girls bawl again on Mason's shoulders. 
Henry starts to sneak out, sees Fanny coming 
and hides again. Fanny enters running.) 

Mason. So, Miss, so — so! 

Molly. Oh, Fanny, how could you ? 

Polly. Yes, Fanny, how could you? 

Henry. (Aside) Same way you both could. 

Fanny. What's the matter? 

Mason. Matter! Look, Miss, look upon two 
wrecked lives — two abandoned women. 

Molly and Polly. What ! 

Mason. Look upon the tender, trusting woman- 
hood — wantonly stained by the diabolical scheming 
of that love-pirate, that arch-fiend, that sentimental 
madman who plans three elopements with three 
children in fifteen minutes. 

Fanny. Who? 

Molly and Polly. Henry Smyth. 

Henry. (Aside) No, not me — him. 

Molly. The simpleton. 

Polly. The idiot. 

Mason. The sap-head. 

Fanny. (Pertly) He's no such thing. He's the 
dearest, sweetest boy that ever lived. 

Henry. (Aside) Oh, you darling. 

Minister. (Entering) Was any one inquiring 
for me ? 

Mason, Molly and Polly. No. 

Fanny and Henry. Yes. 



12 THE LOVE PIRATE. 

(Molly and Polly start crying again. This time 
on the Minister's shoulders. Fanny tries to 
calm Mason. While all this storm is going on, 
Henry creeps under the piano and tries to 
sneak out. Mason sees him, catches him and 
brings him dozen stage.) 

Mason. So, sir, so, so. You're the man who tries 
to elope with three women, my daughter among 
them, all in one evening. 

Henry. (Aroused) So, sir, so — so — you're the 
man who put me up to it ! Didn't I tell you I loved 
your daughter? 

Mason. Yes, but 

Henry. And didn't you give me your consent to 
marry her? 

Mason. Yes, but 

Penry. And didn't you tell me I could escape 
the effects of a mistaken opinion on the part of these 
two young women by proposing and immediate elope- 
ment ? 

Mason. Yes, but 

Henry. And when they refused I was to break 
the engagements? 

Molly and Polly. (To Mason) Oh, you 
brute. (Both cry again on Minister's shoulders) 

Mason. Yes, but 

Henry. And haven't I suffered behind that piano 
— hearing myself unjustly reviled for ten minutes. 

Fanny. (Flinging herself in Henry's arms) 
Oh, Henry I understand. You dear boy. I'll marry 
you any time. 

Mason. No, you won't. You can't have my 
child. I'm going to skin you alive. 

Minister. Good gracious. I must go. (He 
drops both ladies into Mason's arms) This is a 
mad house. ( He exits quickly) 

Mason. See here, now — see here 



THE LOVE PIRATE. 13 

Henry. {To Fanny) Darling we'll be at the 
garage in one minute.. 

Mason. Hey — you — see here now — (Henry and 
Fanny start toward front door) Where are you 
going? 

Henry. {Putting on hat and picking up both 
grips) To Poughkeepsie. Oh, how I love that 
word. {Exit with Fanny) 

{At the word Poughkeepsie both Molly and Polly 
scream and fall forward. Mason facing 
audience and holding one under each arm — their 
feet and heads toward floor. He swings them 
around and starts upstage.) 

Mason. Say — you — here. {He swings around 
and starts dozen-stage) Hey — Hey — somebody — 
anybody. {Then in a resigned, helpless voice) Oh 
—Lord ! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

Incidental music can be played before the rise and 
fall of curtain. 




017 199 282 5 « 



